Friday, April 11, 2014

What the Rich and the Poor Have in Common

Today is Friday, April 11, 2014.

The other day a friend of mine posted this photo on Facebook, and commented that this is why he doesn't get upset about whatever the Koch brothers are up to at any given time.  Although I do believe it's important to watch guys like the Koch brothers and push back, whenever possible, my friend does have a point.  Everybody dies, at some point, whether you're rich or poor.  No matter what your situation is in this lifetime, at some point, it will come to an end.  When it does, it won't really matter how expensive your funeral is, or how many people attend.  It won't matter how much money you have in your bank account or how beautiful your house is.  It won't matter what kind of car you drive or how many servants you have.

It won't really matter what your religion is, either.  

At death, everyone goes to someplace within the Inner Worlds.  Everyone looks at the lifetime just ended and decides (often with the help of advisers) how well they tackled the issues that they decided to work on before coming into that lifetime.  Everybody starts planning how to continue from there.  Most people come back to Earth to live yet another life, while a few graduate from the "earth school" and continue along their learning curve in the Inner Worlds.  

Those who had money in their lifetime end up judging themselves by the same criteria as those who had little or no money.  How have I grown?  How did I help other people?  What did I do to balance karma from previous lives?  What did I do to acquire negative karma that will have to be balanced in a future life?  

Do I believe in punishment for sin? No, I believe in consequences for misguided actions based on negative principles such as "every man for himself" or "my people are more important than yours."   That's why some people are always suffering in life.  They are experiencing the suffering that they put others through.  Does all this mean that we shouldn't be concerned when rich and powerful people seek to control others, because everything will even out in the end?  I don't think so.  We can't take away everyone's pain, and it would be counterproductive, at the level of Soul, do do so.  But we can be of assistance to others, with their permission.

To be clear, I don't think that any of us will be asked for which political party we voted when we get to the Inner Worlds.  I don't think it's a good idea to label political parties as good and evil, either, although sometimes it does seem that they beg to be labeled.  I don't think that voting one way or another is good or evil.  I don't think having money or political power is evil, either, per se. 

The important thing is how we live our lives.  Do we contribute positively to life, or do we create obstacles for other people?  Do we strive to get along with others or do we simply try to control them?  Do we allow other people to do what they want, or do we force them to agree with us?  Do we assist other people or take advantage of them?  Do we build each other up or tear each other down?  Do we advance while stepping on others' toes, or do we allow others to advance with us?

When we see someone taking advantage of others, I believe we should at least point it out and do whatever we can to stop it or at least soften the blow.  When we realize we've been taken advantage of, we should stand up and blow the whistle, loudly.  Political and social movements won't end all the evil in the world, but they can do some good.  It just depends how you want to participate.  You can often do just as much or more good on your own, on an individual basis. :-) 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Creeping Toward the Finish Line

Today is Wednesday, April 9, 2014.

Next week, I'm leaving on an extended trip, and I have a lot to do. Last night,  I made a list of things to do that I knew I wouldn't be able to finish before bedtime tonight.  Still, I plugged away at things, and I did get a few of the things done on the list.  Since I don't generally have to get up at any set time in the morning, I tend to try to finish what I can before I go to bed, no matter how late.  (Blog entries are one of those things.)  And every night I feel like a tortoise, creeping toward the finish line, unable to go any faster.

This blog only gets written three times a week, now, although my other blog is still a daily thing.  I will have completed a year's worth of blogs there, soon, and I am thinking of taking a break for a while, then perhaps resuming the blogs, only twice a week each, for a while.  I'm proud of the fact that I achieved my goal of posting 365 posts in a row on this blog, and I will soon be pleased to announce the same feat on the other blog.  The weight of habit is now upon me, and I find it hard to go to sleep without having written my blog for the day.  It helps to know I'm cultivating perseverance and discipline.  

I guess I shouldn't have made such a long list of things to do, because it gets me down a bit to see how few things I have crossed off.  But I will cross off a few more tomorrow and the day after that.  Each day I will creep toward the finish line.  

Slow and steady wins the race, right?  :-/

Monday, April 7, 2014

Maturity and Immaturity in Relationships

Today is Monday, April 7, 2014.

Recently I read a list of points to look for when you want to know whether you're dating a "boy" or a "man."  The idea was to figure out whether the person you are dating is emotionally mature or not.  Apparently, this is a hot topic in Christian circles right now.  I wondered why I couldn't find any articles about dating a "girl" versus a "woman," but then I realized that most of these articles were written by and for conservative Christians, who also subscribe to the cultural value of male dominance.  To them, it's more important for the male to be mature.  Apparently, a little immaturity in females is tolerated.

I decided to take one list written by Jarrid Wilson and adapt it to both men and women, to see what, if anything, needed to be changed. (Click on the link to see his original list.) Here are my results.  Conservative Christians and other traditionalists may wish to pay attention to item number five.

By the way, for today's photos, I realized that it's impossible to adequately picture "maturity" but images of immaturity abound.  I tried to find images depicting immaturity in both the man and the woman, lest someone say that I am accusing only one sex of being immature.

1.  A mature person will admit and take responsibility for his or her mistakes.  An immature person will make excuses.

2.  A mature person will never violate the other person's space, physically, emotionally, mentally or psychically.  This means, among other things, that the mature person will respect the other person's wish not to have sex.  An immature person will allow sexual desires to take control.

3.  A mature person will never violate the other person's space, physically, emotionally, mentally or psychically.  This means, among other things, that the mature person will respect the other person's opinions, values and beliefs without trying to change them.  An immature person will demand that the other person think the same way because it is more comfortable.

4.  A mature person will offer respect and support no matter what the circumstances, whether the other person can reciprocate or not.  An immature person will offer respect and support only if he or she can get something in return.

5.  A mature person will pull his or her own weight in a relationship.  In a marriage, this includes financial matters, housekeeping duties, childcare duties, and social duties.  It also includes doing whatever it takes to keep the relationship moving and growing.  An immature person will expect the other person to provide all the financial support, do all the housework, take care of the kids, or pay attention to birthdays, anniversaries, or making social engagements.  An immature person will expect the other person to make most of the romantic gestures or sexual advances. An immature person will expect the other person to give in when there is a difference of opinion.

6.  A mature person knows that what he or she does in the present moment will affect his or her future circumstances.  An immature person does whatever he or she wants in the moment without thinking about future consequences.

7.  A mature person will respect the other person's family and friends.  A mature person will value the good opinion of the partner's family and friends and make an effort to get along with them.  An immature person is only interested in being popular, but not necessarily in gaining anyone's respect or making any effort to get along with others. 

8.  A mature person's actions are in line with his or her stated beliefs.  This is true whether or not the person's beliefs or actions are popular with others. An immature person's actions are not always in line with his or her stated beliefs.  An immature person may try to act as if he or she agrees with another person simply to get in that person's good graces.

9.  A mature person respects and entertains others' beliefs. Respecting others' beliefs means recognizing that they have a right to hold different beliefs than yourself.  Entertaining others' beliefs simply means allowing them to say what they believe without automatically trying to change them or argue them out of their ideas.  An immature person does not like to hear others' beliefs and rejects different beliefs out of hand, without consideration.

10. A mature person is willing to give others the benefit of the doubt and is open to making some changes based on new information. A mature person is willing to learn. An immature person doggedly insists that he or she is right, even when the situation changes.  An immature person thinks he or she knows everything and has nothing new to learn.  An immature person is unwilling to be challenged by new ideas.

11. A mature person does all he or she has agreed to do.  An immature person makes promises that he or she cannot keep.  Sometimes an immature person makes promises that he or she has no intention of keeping.  

12. A mature person looks beyond physical beauty or a big bank account when considering other people as a potential partner.  An immature person is looking for eye candy or someone to finance their lifestyle.

13. A mature person is interested in the wellbeing of the other person and is willing to put his or her own wants and needs on the back burner occasionally to assist the partner.  An immature person is interested only in himself or herself, and puts his or her own needs above that of others.

14. A mature person knows when and how to get his or her needs met.  An immature person thinks he or she has to give in to the other all the time so that the other person will not leave. 

15.  A mature person is willing to consider making a formal, public commitment to the relationship.  An immature person is unable to make a commitment because he or she values personal freedom over the wellbeing of the beloved. In other words, the focus is on self, not the other person.

16. A mature person knows that a relationship is only viable if both partners are growing.  If the relationship does not serve the needs of one or both partners, the mature person will let the other go gracefully, without the need to make the other person "wrong."  When separating from another person, the mature person will wish the other well and refrain from saying or doing things against the other out of spite.  An immature person hangs onto relationships even though staying together is hurting both partners.  An immature person is afraid to let the other person go because he or she fears having to stand up for himself or herself.  An immature person is willing to sacrifice the other person's right to grow on the altar of his or her own fear of being alone.

17. A mature person knows that, in spite of human imperfections, he or she is OK, whether or not he or she is in a relationship.  An immature person thinks that he or she is not OK without someone else to be in a relationship with.

18. A mature person knows relationships are a perfect opportunity to learn and grow as a human being.  A mature person expects to undergo some positive changes in himself or herself as a result of the relationship.  An immature person thinks relationships are all about fulfilling his or her own needs and solving his or her problems.

Of course, the foregoing is my own opinion.  Your mileage may vary. :-)

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Giving Energy to My Dreams

Today is Friday, April 4, 2014.

Miracles start to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears.

It occurred to me lately that I've been giving way too much energy to certain fears lately.  When I do that, I always get that "stuck" feeling.  I know I'm in the middle of some big changes, and I can't quite see the outcome of the changes, yet.  Fears are just keeping me stuck in the middle.  

I've decided to make a list of my fears so at least I know what they are.  I will acknowledge them.  But then I have to find a way to sever the energetic connection between myself and each of my fears.  This will have to be done on the inner, first, before the disconnect can manifest in my outer life.

I have done spiritual exercises like this before.  I visualized my fear or my problem as an object, and found a way to deal with that object on the inner that represented how I would deal with it in my daily outer life.  There are various things you can do, depending on what kind of object you are visualizing.   You can face it or make it disappear, wash it, make it smaller, cut it, color it, or change its shape.  Anything can be done on the inner planes.  The point is that whatever you do on the inner is an energetic template for what will happen out here on the physical plane.

When I have figured out a way of energetically detaching from my fears, I will have some "free energy" to work with, and I will identify which of my dreams to give this energy to.  

Let the inner work begin!  :-)

 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

What Makes You Come Alive?

Today is Wednesday, April 2, 2014.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.  And then go do that.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.  –Howard Thurman

There's something magic about people who are following their passion, whatever it is.  Their lives just seem to click.  Wonderful synchronicities happen in their lives. What is is about them that causes everything to work out that way?  

The expression "going with the flow" may suggest an answer.  We are essentially beings of energy, not only as Soul.  Our bodies are really energy, as well.  When energy is flowing freely within us, everything just works in our lives.  Our problems aren't obstacles, but merely challenges. 

These days, psychologists and health care workers alike speak of "blocked energy."  How does our energy get blocked up?  Transformational healer Joel Bruce Wallach says that most blocks start out as "stuck feelings or thoughts that are unresolved."  If you're not doing something you love with your life, then it's pretty obvious that there must be some stuck feelings in your heart or unresolved thoughts in your head.  Perhaps you feel that the thing you would love to do just won't pay the bills, or that you are just not good enough at it to make it worthwhile.  These kinds of thoughts create energy blocks, too.

There are any number of counselors you can go to who will help you figure out what you're blocking, but even they can't help you if you aren't willing to do the required inner work to bring to light the energy blocks that you may be hiding.  There could be some emotional trauma in your past that is creating the block.  Or your blockage could even have originated in a past life.  

Over the last few months, I've mentioned meditation and contemplation techniques again and again, because I believe that these practices, done on a daily basis, are essential to becoming more awake and aware of what is going on in our lives.  Meditation is an invaluable tool for introspection.  Who are you, really?  What makes you tick?  Why did you come into this life?  What was it you wanted to accomplish in life?  

Some people can read about meditation and then try it themselves and it works great.  Others need a teacher to give them a start.  Whatever works for you, do that.  Then, if you still need the help of a counselor of some type, find one whose technique resonates with you.  Do the inner work, and find out what excites your passion.  :-)

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Letting Go of Something Old and Growing Something New

Today is Monday, March 31, 2014.

If you've ever had one of those times when you've clutched a pen or something else in your hand for a long time, only to look down and be surprised that you are still holding it long after your need for it had passed, you'll understand sometimes we get so used to holding things that we forget to let go.  –Anonymous

If you want fresh water in your cup, you have to pour out the old water.  If you want to make changes, you have to let go of some things in your life, in order to make room for the changes.  


Why do we fight so hard to hang onto things that no longer serve our needs?  For most of us, it's because we find security in the known and we fear the uncertainty of the unknown.  At some point, however, it becomes uncomfortable to stay where we are, and we know we need to move on.  We realize that holding onto the things of the past is like holding onto a bomb with a lit fuse.  Sooner or later, it will explode in our faces.

What kinds of things should we let go of?  

Some things have to be let go again and again, every day.  These include negative emotions such as anger, fear, worry, resentment, jealousy, guilt, or the need for revenge.  

Some things have to be let go of at intervals.  These might include a job that no longer challenges you, a friendship or intimate  relationship that is not working out, a child who is ready to leave the nest, or a dream that is just not going to happen, no matter what. 

Occasionally, we need to let go of material things and the needs that drove us to acquire those material things.  We might have to let go of money and the illusion of power.  We might have to let go of our home, our car, or our fashionable wardrobe and our illusion of security, respectability, popularity, or success.


Sometimes, we need to let go of inner things, such as our beliefs, our old values, our opinions, our self-image, or our limitations.  These are harder to let go, because they are so deeply buried in our psyche.  In order to let these go, we have to identify them first.  Sometimes it is necessary to figure out how we got them in the first place before we can let them go.  We definitely have to have something to put in their place, so we have to figure out what we want before we let go of what we don't want.

Overall, in order to make changes in our lives, we must let go of who we thought we were so that we can become different people, and we need to let go of our current vision of the future, so that we can create a different, brighter future.   Leon Brown, a religious leader in the UK, wrote, "By letting go, you allow everything to find its rightful place.  Once free, everything finds its way home." 

When we let go, we realize that we have been using up a lot of energy just holding onto things and ideas that no longer serve us.  We can use that energy to nurture our new dreams.  

On the web, I found a great worksheet created by Britt Bravo.  It is a chart you can print and fill out for yourself.  On the left are some "flowers" labeled "Ideas to Grow."  On the right are some clouds that will float away on the wind.  They are labeled "Ideas to Let Go."  Even if you don't print out the photo, you can make your own chart of flowers and clouds.  I like the visual, because it reminds me that whatever I "grow" will require care and nurturing on our part, just as I plant flowers in my garden so they will get the sunlight they need, water the flowers every day, and protect them from wild animals or too much wind.  I like the clouds, too, because they remind me that I can let my old ideas go gradually and gracefully.  They will float away on the wind of change without much effort on my part.

When I filled out my chart, I tried to make sure that for every idea to grow I had one to let go.  A couple of ideas to grow are very long-term plans, so I illustrated those as buds, rather than full flowers.  The ideas that I have been working on for a while are depicted as flowers in full bloom.  I ended up being a little surprised at what I will need to let go of in order to grow a new idea.  For example, if I want to get into a relationship with someone, I will have to give up my self-image as a totally self-sufficient woman.  (I can be self-reliant, but there's no need to be self-sufficient.  There are other people out there, and they are meant to be interacted with. That was the point of coming here, remember?)   Another example: If I want to move to a warmer climate, I will have to give up the security of living in a familiar place near family.  I have to remember that I'm not just letting go until I'm empty.  There will be trade-offs.  There will be benefits. 

Here is your Ideas to Grow - Ideas to Let Go visual.  Have fun with this.  :-)


Friday, March 28, 2014

Smoke Free At Last

Today is Friday, March 28, 2014.

This afternoon I got a notice shoved under my door by the apartment management, announcing that the apartment building where I live will become a smoke-free facility beginning on June 1, 2014. I was never so glad to see an announcement from the management in my life!  

When I moved into this place, the unit had been empty for over one year, and the gal who was managing had no idea who had lived in it before, but the other residents told me he smoked like a fiend.  I could tell.  The place definitely smelled like smoke, and it was noticeable to others, as well.  

I opened windows and filled decorative vases with charcoal to get rid of the smoke smell, and eventually, the place started to smell a little sweeter.  Unfortunately, there was still one person who lives two doors down from me who smokes so much that there is an air-freshener machine out in the hall just outside his door.  It doesn't help, though.  You can still smell his cigarettes as you pass his door in the hall.

When I realized that some of the residents are on oxygen, I kind of freaked out, realizing that if the smoker were careless and a fire was started that spread to the oxygen tanks, there would be an especially dangerous situation.  Fortunately, the apartment of the person on oxygen is on a different floor, and not right underneath the smoker.  Still... 

Maybe the smoker has given notice that he intends to move, or maybe the management just decided to get tough and ban smoking.  Whatever the situation, I am so glad that they have taken the bull by the horns and made a declaration in favor of non-smoking.  The new rules ban not only traditional cigarettes, cigars and pipes, but also e-cigarettes.  Good!  They didn't ban chewing tobacco, but I guess you have to take it one step at a time.  

Next week I intend to call my renter's insurance company and ask if there will be extra discounts available for a non-smoking residence.  (There were discounts for a sprinkler system, and I am still glad I followed up on that one.)

Smoke-free workplaces are a fairly new concept here in South Dakota.  The Smoke Free Law went into effect in 2009.  Opponents forced a referendum vote onto the ballot in 2010, obviously hoping to have the law struck down.   Instead, the voters approved the smoking ban, 64 to 36 percent. 

Part of the opposition was economic, and some of those fears have been realized.  South Dakota is a no-income-tax state, so they get revenue from gambling, which is a source of frustration for residents like me.  The smoking ban affected all bars, restaurants, and other public spaces, including state-run (but not tribal-run) casinos.  It appears, as of November 2013, that revenues are down for video lottery places.  Revenue for 2008 for the video lottery industry was $224.7 million.  In 2013 it was $176.6 million.  I can't say that I'm terribly upset about this.

The Sioux Falls chief of police said that as of November 2013, only five citations had been written for people smoking indoors in public places.  City planners say that opposition to the ban no longer comes up during planning for future city projects.   According to state demographics, only 15.4% of the residents of the state are smokers.  Dare I say they are a "dying" breed?  One thing is clear: they are no longer in control of public spaces, and soon they will no longer have any control in my private living space, either.

Is it legal for landlords to ban smoking in private apartments?  According to Change Lab website, which discusses "law and policy innovation for the common good," the answer is, "Yes. Landlords, condo associations, and local governments may legally restrict smoking in multi-unit housing. These restrictions do not discriminate against smokers or violate their right to privacy. For a more detailed discussion of this issue, see “There Is No Constitutional Right to Smoke."

It will take a while for the change to take effect, but I feel that it is a step in the right direction.  :-) 

 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

To Boost Your Creativity, Do What the Creative People Do

Today is Wednesday, March 26, 2014. 

The other day, Daily Good presented a list of things that creative people do that most of the rest of us apparently don't do, at least not regularly.  Here's the list, with a few comments from me. 

1)  They take time to daydream.  Daydreaming is a process of "creative incubation" where ideas hatch and the mind makes connections that we sometimes miss during the day when a lot of other things are going on.  I have always been accused of daydreaming too much.  Now they say it's a good thing.  Who knew?

2)  They observe everything closely.  They seem to notice details and are able to recall them later. This is not necessarily one of my own strong points, but I have heard people say that learning to observe things in daily waking life can increase our recall of dreams when we wake up in the morning.  Dream information is definitely a part of creativity.

3)  They work hours that are best for them, which may be very early in the morning or very late at night.  I can attest to this, as I generally get my best writing done during my night-owl time.

4)  They take time for solitude.  That's when you can think clearly without interruptions.  You can also let your mind wander a bit without having to focus on anything in particular.  I've realized in recent years how important solitude is for me.  I crave it daily.  If I ever get into a relationship again, I'm definitely going to allow time for solitude for my own peace of mind.

5)  They overcome obstacles by finding the silver lining.  When you do this, you can strengthen your own sense of self-worth, improve your relationships with others, and deepen your spiritual beliefs.  Once you have a track record of overcoming obstacles, it's always a little easier to believe that the current problem will in time be solved, and sometimes that makes all the difference.

6)  They seek out new experiences.  Not only that, but they are open to them.  They accept new things without immediate judgment.  They are willing to explore new ways of thinking, perceiving and feeling.  They don't get stuck in a rut. 

7)  They "fall up."   In other words, they are not afraid to fail, and they tend to be very resilient.  In other words, they manage to find a way past the failure to achieve success.  They learn from their mistakes. 

8)  They ask "big questions."  They maintain their sense of curiosity about how things work, and what makes people tick.  They ask "what if?" and "why?"

9)  They observe people.  They watch their actions and reactions to situations.  They listen to conversations.  They observe and identify patterns.  Writers and painters are especially good at this.  Songwriters, too. 

10) They take risks.  They try things that have not been tried before.  Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.  When they don't, the creative people learn from that. 

11) They view life as an opportunity for self-expression.  They do things that they want to do, rather than things that they have to do.  They do things their way, even if others don't understand or approve.

12) They follow their true passion.  They do things they are highly interested in, rather than things that will net them some sort of reward, such as money, power, or fame.  

13) They get out of their own heads.  They walk in others' moccasins.  They try to look at things from the perspective of other people.  

14) They lose track of time.  They are able to focus on something to the point where they are in a state known as a "flow state," a state of concentration and calm that seems effortless.  You can get into this state whenever you do something that you love, something that you are good at, and something that challenges you in some way. 

15) They surround themselves with beauty.  I suspect that one reason they do this is to keep out negativity, which can stop creative thinking cold.

16) They connect the dots.  This is the basis of the higher-order mental activity called "synthesis," or making new things out of a combination of things you already know, or taking known concepts to a new level.

17) They shake things up.  They certainly aren't interested in getting into any ruts.  "Diversity of experience," is the opposite of living life as a series of habits.  They seek out new experiences and new ways of doing things, even if these seem outrageous or even taboo. 

18) They make time more mindfulness.  In other words, they meditate or go into contemplation.  They experience improved memory, better focus, better mental clarity, and reduced stress.  

How many of these things do you do?  What one thing could you add to your life to boost your own creativity?  :-)


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Once the Storm Is Over...

Today is Monday, March 24, 2014.


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.  That’s what this storm’s all about."  ~Haruki Murakami

There have been several storms in my life, but Murakami's words are true of each and every one of my storms.  When I was 29 years old, I divorced my Japanese husband while I was living in Japan and moved to a different city to live all by myself.  When I was 39, I was in a horrible teaching situation from which I had to get away very suddenly during the schohol year.  When I was 41, I had a benign tumor that ended any chance I might have to bear a child of my own.  When I was 55, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

In each case, I managed to get through the storm, although – when I think about it – I have no idea how I did it.  All I can remember was that I got through each situation from day to day without any kind of Big Plan.  It was a daily grind, and a lot of times, I just tried not to think too hard about the whole thing. 

It's true that I wasn't always aware of when the storm was officially "over," just as Murakami says.  The divorce itself was one thing, but learning to live by myself was an ongoing experience that continues to this day. I no longer feel that I am living in a storm, however.  

Leaving the teaching job was hard, too, and it took a few months to get back on my feet, but I managed to get hired by a school district in the middle of the school year and keep that job until I retired.  Once I began to get settled in that job, I no longer felt that I was in a storm, but I can't remember any particular day when I was aware of this.

The tumor generated a storm for a long time, after the surgery, as I came to terms with the reality of not being able to have a child, even though I was not married and couldn't have afforded to raise a child on my own, even if I had been able to conceive.  At some point, I accepted the situation, but I can't pinpoint a day on the calendar when I noticed the sun had come out.  

It's been over five years since the cancer diagnosis, and although I no longer feel like a "cancer patient," I still carry some of the burden of the treatment: disfigurement, osteoporosis, hearing loss, vascular problems and blood clotting issues, not to mention a touch of "chemo brain" that dogs me every so often.  Still, I have realized that I've left the storm behind, and it's just the effects of the storm I am still feeling  I'm fine, and I need to move on from that stormy scenario. 

I definitely feel that I became a different person each time I weathered a major storm.  From my divorce, I learned what it meant to stand on my own two feet and face my own  problems.  I also learned to ask for help when I needed it.  From the job situation, I learned that there are some situations that are just not worth staying in, karmically speaking.  No matter how good a teacher I was, I couldn't possibly have made the situation better because the school district itself was rotten.  (That's not just my opinion.  This particular district was handed over to a judge to rule - that's how bad it was! Unfortunately, the judge made a mess of things, too.)  I did the right thing by walking away.  (The same goes for my failed marriage.) 

From the tumor situation, I learned that it was not in my life plan to have children, and I learned that I had agreed to this restriction when I entered this life, for karmic reasons.  From the cancer journey, I learned many things.  I learned that I had to take better care of my body or I would lose the right to finish out my allotted lifespan and complete my purpose in this lifetime.  I learned the value of true friends.  I learned that people are not very good at facing death, and that it is not something you can reasonably expect of people.  I learned to accept what people can give and not expect what they are unable or unwilling to give.  In that sense, I learned to forgive myself and others. 

One always hopes that there won't be any more storms, but I guess that's not something I can control.  Like tempered steel, made stronger by the fire, I am now a much stronger individual because of my storms.  I know I can get through whatever comes next.  :-)

Friday, March 21, 2014

Seven Qualities of a Good Friend

Today is Friday, March 21, 2014.

The actual discourses given by Siddhārtha Gautama, the historical figure who is now known as Gautama Buddha, are given in a document called the Pāli Canon, written in the ancient Pāli language.  The Cannon was actually kept alive in the oral tradition for 450 years after the Buddha's death before it was written down during the Fourth Buddhist Council in Sri Lanka in 29 B.C.E.  (This makes scriptures such as the Christian Bible and the Muslim Quoran seem like new kids on the block.) One text, called the Pathama Mitta Sutta, gives seven qualities to look for in a friend.  Here's the text in translation by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities is worth associating with. Which seven? He gives what is hard to give. He does what is hard to do. He endures what is hard to endure. He reveals his secrets to you. He keeps your secrets. When misfortunes strike, he doesn’t abandon you. When you’re down & out, he doesn’t look down on you. A friend endowed with these seven qualities is worth associating with.
He gives what is beautiful,
     hard to give,
does what is hard to do,
endures painful, ill-spoken words.

His secrets he tells you,
your secrets he keeps.

When misfortunes strike,
     he doesn’t abandon you;
when you’re down & out,
     doesn’t look down on you.

A person in whom these traits are found,
is a friend to be cultivated
by anyone wanting a friend.
It's been said that if you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend, so with that in mind, let's look at the Buddha's advice.

1.  Give what is beautiful.

Given that Buddhist philosophy is the antithesis of materialism, it goes without saying (although I'm saying it anyway, to be clear), that the Buddha was not talking about material things.  To me, the most beautiful things friends can give one another are their time and their support.  When you spend time with a friend, you are saying, "I value your company.  Time spent with you enriches my life."  This is just as true when you spend time together in person as it is when you talk on the phone or chat by Skype or text message.  I try to take the time to be with friends whenever I can, and I strive to allow my friends the time they need to say what's on their mind without rushing them, even if I am a little pressed for time.  If I have to rush off, I try to let them know that our conversation can be continued at a later time, if they wish.

I also appreciate my friends' support when I am sad and when I'm trying to solve a problem.  My friends come from all corners of the globe, so they can't always be with me physically, but they find ways to let me know that they love me, they care about me, and they wish me well.  When I'm having problems, they may offer some advice, but they are gracious about it if I decide not to take it.  The commiserate with me rather than telling me that I shouldn't feel the way I do, and they support my decision-making process, even if they don't agree with my solutions.  I try to support my friends in their challenges, as well.  It's often hard for me to step back and let things happen when I have opinions about how to solve a particular problem, but it's something that I'm working on.

2.  Do what is hard to do.

In other words, go out of your way for your friends.  Being a friend is not always convenient.  Here in the United States, our lives are ordered by the measure of convenience.  We wear convenient clothes that can be washed and worn with very little extra care.  We eat convenient foods that take almost no preparation time or cooking skill to make.  We use whatever mode of transportation is the most convenient.  In most of the country, that's a private car, and even our teenagers have their own cars these days, as evidenced by the huge (and very full) student parking lots at high schools across the nation.  In the cities, that might be a train, subway, or bus, since parking a car at work is either a hassle, horrendously expensive, or both.  When we travel long-distance, it's air travel, because the extra time it would take to travel by car, bus or train is inconvenient.

When we do things for our friends, we only do them if it is convenient.  You may beg to differ, but when I didn't have a car, I asked an awful lot of people for a ride and was told no an awful lot of times.  It got to the point where I didn't even want to know the reason, because people never really told me the real reason, no matter what excuse they gave.  I quickly learned that unless my American friends were planning to go there anyway, they were not willing to go out of their way to give me a ride.  They were never interested in when I wanted to arrive or leave.  I had to match their schedule.  I waited around for them to take me, and I often waited around for them to decide to leave.  Or I cut short whatever I was doing in order to catch a ride.

When is the last time you went out of your way to do something for a friend, something that was not particularly convenient, something that took a bit of time out of your day?  When was the last time you did a kindness for a friend that made you physically tired?  When did you last do something that was a little expensive for a friend?  Have you ever given a friend something of yours that was valuable and irreplaceable?  Have you ever suffered an indignity, been bullied, or put yourself in danger for a friend?  I'm not saying we have to do this all the time, but, seriously, have you ever done anything like this?  Just asking.  I have actually had a few friends who did some of these things for me, and I have to tell you that those friends were not Americans, or they were not born in the United States, even though they live here now.  Just saying.   No matter how I may have tried to thank them, I doubt that any of them realized just how much I appreciated what they did for me.  All I can do is try to pass on the favor to others.

3.  Endure painful, ill-spoken words.

This is another thing that few of us wish to do.  It's a fact, though, that all of us have said things that are hurtful or ill-advised at one time or another in our lives.  I know I have.  And I certainly appreciated those friends who gave me the opportunity to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  It sometimes takes me a while to bring myself to the point where I can summon the requisite humility to apologize, and I appreciate those friends who are willing to allow me to go through that process before unilaterally shutting me out of their lives.  Remembering this, I try hard not to take my friends' painful words personally.  It's a challenge.

4.  Confide in your friend.

Not every friend an be trusted with a secret, so it's a wonderful thing when we find people who can listen to our deepest secrets without revealing them to others.  I think, though, that it's also a good idea not to overburden friends with too many secrets.  

5.  Keep your friend's secrets. 

This is one that has been hard for me in the past.  I'm getting better at keeping secrets.  I think it's true that a lot of times, when we tell other people's secrets, it's because we just enjoy the attention we get when we drop a bombshell of information.  It's an ego-stroke thing.


6.  Don't abandon your friend when misfortune strikes.

This one works as a two-edged sword sometimes.  We can always offer advice or help, but if our friend decides not to take the advice or accept the help we offer, we have to accept that situation.  If the friend is mired in an addiction, we can be there to help if necessary, but we have to be careful not to enable the person to continue his or her addictive behavior.  We can console a grieving friend or commiserate with someone who is bummed out, but that doesn't mean we have to experience the same grief or misery as our friend.  The point is to be a friend without getting caught up in their drama.  Sometimes all we can do is wait out a situation on the sidelines and send our friend thoughts of love and goodwill

7.  Don't look down on your friend when he or she is down and out.

When you lose money or get fired from a job, when you get a divorce or break up with someone, when you get really sick or become disabled, that's when you see exactly who your real friends are.  People who aren't afraid to be seen with you, who don't forget to check in on you, and who don't become impatient with you are like silver and gold.

Sometimes the only thing we can do for our friend is refrain from being judgmental.  We don't have to condone what our friend has done if it is illegal, immoral, or unacceptable, but we can let them know that we still love them, no matter what they have done.

*****

I can't say that I've been a perfect friend to everyone, but I do my best.  I think this is a great checklist of points to consider about being a friend to others, and I intend to use it in the future as a gauge of my own behavior toward my friends.  :-)
Via the Mitta Sutta, a text in the original Pali canon of discourses directly attributed to the historical Buddha (by way of /r/Buddhism), check out this list of seven qualities the Buddha says you should look for in a friend.
Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities
Is worth associating with.
Which seven?
He gives what is hard to give.
He does what is hard to do.
He endures what is hard to endure.
He reveals his secrets to you.
He keeps your secrets.
When misfortunes strike,
He doesn’t abandon you.
When you’re down & out,
He doesn’t look down on you.
A friend endowed with these seven qualities
Is worth associating with.
He gives what is beautiful,
hard to give,
does what is hard to do,
endures painful,
ill-spoken words.
His secrets he tells you,
your secrets he keeps.
When misfortunes strike,
he doesn’t abandon you;
when you’re down & out,
doesn’t look down on you.
A person in whom
these traits are found,
is a friend to be cultivated
by anyone wanting a friend.
For more, check out In the Buddha’s Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon (Teachings of the Buddha), edited by Bhikkhu Bodhi, with a foreward by the Dalai Lama.
- See more at: http://ultraculture.org/blog/2014/01/07/7-qualities-look-friend-according-buddha/#sthash.vIBjdOrQ.dpuf
Via the Mitta Sutta, a text in the original Pali canon of discourses directly attributed to the historical Buddha (by way of /r/Buddhism), check out this list of seven qualities the Buddha says you should look for in a friend.
Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities
Is worth associating with.
Which seven?
He gives what is hard to give.
He does what is hard to do.
He endures what is hard to endure.
He reveals his secrets to you.
He keeps your secrets.
When misfortunes strike,
He doesn’t abandon you.
When you’re down & out,
He doesn’t look down on you.
A friend endowed with these seven qualities
Is worth associating with.
He gives what is beautiful,
hard to give,
does what is hard to do,
endures painful,
ill-spoken words.
His secrets he tells you,
your secrets he keeps.
When misfortunes strike,
he doesn’t abandon you;
when you’re down & out,
doesn’t look down on you.
A person in whom
these traits are found,
is a friend to be cultivated
by anyone wanting a friend.
For more, check out In the Buddha’s Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon (Teachings of the Buddha), edited by Bhikkhu Bodhi, with a foreward by the Dalai Lama.
- See more at: http://ultraculture.org/blog/2014/01/07/7-qualities-look-friend-according-buddha/#sthash.CBu32Z84.dpuf
Via the Mitta Sutta, a text in the original Pali canon of discourses directly attributed to the historical Buddha (by way of /r/Buddhism), check out this list of seven qualities the Buddha says you should look for in a friend.
Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities
Is worth associating with.
Which seven?
He gives what is hard to give.
He does what is hard to do.
He endures what is hard to endure.
He reveals his secrets to you.
He keeps your secrets.
When misfortunes strike,
He doesn’t abandon you.
When you’re down & out,
He doesn’t look down on you.
A friend endowed with these seven qualities
Is worth associating with.
He gives what is beautiful,
hard to give,
does what is hard to do,
endures painful,
ill-spoken words.
His secrets he tells you,
your secrets he keeps.
When misfortunes strike,
he doesn’t abandon you;
when you’re down & out,
doesn’t look down on you.
A person in whom
these traits are found,
is a friend to be cultivated
by anyone wanting a friend.
For more, check out In the Buddha’s Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon (Teachings of the Buddha), edited by Bhikkhu Bodhi, with a foreward by the Dalai Lama.
- See more at: http://ultraculture.org/blog/2014/01/07/7-qualities-look-friend-according-buddha/#sthash.CBu32Z84.dpuf

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Seeing the Light in Others

Today is Wednesday, March 19, 2014.

For an entire day, practice seeing the light in all people, no matter how they behave.
–Sonia Choquette

What a challenge!  The world is full of people who are behaving badly, and – let's face it – you and I are among them at times.  It's one thing to know intellectually that we are all children of God, Children of the Light, but it's quite another thing to be able to acknowledge this in everyday life.  

Last April I wrote a blog post on the topic of grace. The quote I used for that post was, "Grace is the face love wears when it meets imperfection."  This is exactly the quality you and I will need to meet Sonia Choquette's challenge.  

We are all the recipients of divine grace in that we are all showered with God's unconditional love, regardless of who we are and how we are behaving at the moment.  The challenge for us is to extend that same unconditional love to others.  

What does this mean?  What does unconditional love look like?  Well, it doesn't mean that we have to condone the other person's actions.  It doesn't mean we have to agree with them.  It simply means that we don't allow ourselves to become judge and jury with respect to their actions.  If the other person is behaving badly, we know they will eventually run into some karmic backlash for it, whether or not they recognize the connection between the cause (their own actions) and the effect (a negative situation that they get into later.) We may wish we could save them from the negative consequences, but that would only be taking away their right to learn at their own pace, or it would simply delay the lesson for a little while.  

Of course, there's some compassion involved, as well.  We don't necessarily just want to stand by and let the other person suffer through the consequence unnecessarily.  There's a fine line between offering help and enabling people to do certain things over and over without learning from the consequences.  That calls for discernment on our part.  Our help can be offered but it should never be forced onto anyone. And if our help is accepted but then ignored, we must take the outcome in stride and simply leave the person to deal with his or her karma as they will.

This brings up another quality we will need: detachment, the ability to allow things to happen without taking them personally or feeling that we have to mount some kind of defense.  Detachment is a way of consciously disconnecting ourselves emotionally so that we don't react to what the person has done or said on the basis of our own fear or anger.  It doesn't mean that we don't have feelings.  It just means that we don't let our feelings dictate what we will do or say next.  If we take personally what others have said or done, we are as lacking in detachment as they are, and how does that make us any better?  Allowing ourselves to act in anger and fear is the vicious cycle that begets karma for all concerned.    

Putting it all together, then, in order to see the Light of God in everyone we encounter throughout the day, we will need to behave with grace, compassion, discernment and unconditional love.  This is a tall order, but we can do it.  Know why?  Because we are all Children of God.  :-)